Day 1 Start

So I finally woke up early this morning, woke the hubs (it’s literally 4:45 am) and asked if he would walk with me. In only my hubs fashion, he says “sure!” jumps up, throws on some clothes, and is ready to go, like he’s been waiting a lifetime for me to ask.

We sprung out the door, and then the inevitable, “where should we walk to?” I suggest the corner store. Hubs doesn’t think that we will make it there and back in a reasonable time (in hindsight, I EXTRA love this man, he knew I wouldn’t freaking make it to the damn store, but didn’t say that, instead did the whole time-thing, he’s a gem, ya’ll,:) really). I’m feeling super pumped, and ready to go, but agree to start with our block.

Let me just say that we may live on the LONGEST fucking block in the history of mankind! 2,300 steps later, we made it back home. It was the most embarrassing thing ever. I was sweating, SWEATING…after WALKING BRISKLY – not like cute sweating, or glistening, as I prefer to call it,  no, this was full on dripping down the sides of my face sweating – even my forearms were sweaty! So gross, and a horrid reminder of how ridiculously out of shape I really am. On the positive side, you gotta start somewhere, and dangit, I started today. While I was writing this, I found the image above with the quote “sweat is fat crying” which is awesome, and I’m keeping it!

On a side note, I feel AMAZING! Even just that little bit of exercise has me feeling energized, awake, and fabulous. Pretty sure we’re going to do it again when we get home. Can’t wait! I’m going to kick this fat suit’s ass, one bloody, long ass block at a time.

Weigh in today was 301lbs – cue “holy shit, how’d we get here??????” but I realized this morning, it doesn’t really matter how I got here, what matters is what I’m going to do about it.

Keep Hope Alive 🙂

Child Free Parents!!!!!!!!!

So, we’re back from dropping off the kids, got back Monday, which was a holiday, and had to get right back to work Tuesday, so, drumroll…….this is our first kid free weekend!

Cue “I’m so excited, and I just can’t hide it…I know I know, I know I know” you catch my drift. So here is what I plan on doing with the hubs – ready? It’s a run-on for all my fellow grammar sticklers, but guys, I couldn’t help it.

Going to…Deep couch sit, clothing optional, eat food when it is ready, not an hour later when it’s cold, and without little fingers picking food off of my plate, going to watch a WHOLE movie, without pausing it for a million reasons, going to be a SCARY movie, not after bedtime!! I’m going to take an uninterrupted nap without a hot sweaty (precious) baby head tucked deep in my armpit, also going to the grocery store – this is exciting by itself…because we can go up and down every aisle if we want to, and guess what? There will be no 9 year old that has to pee when we’ve just made it thru the freezer section, so all the good frozen food can start melting, or any munchkin toddler boys to poop in their pullups mid grocery shop, and when we get done grocery shopping, there will be no random “kid additives” as we call them, in our basket when we get up to the register that we now have to return to their rightful places in the store! After we do all that grown up ass grocery shopping, we then get to make grown up food!!! And EAT IT…..WHILE IT IS STILL HOT!!!!!! I know, I know, unimaginable.

This is it – we have made it to heaven – I really don’t know how much better it can possibly get.

Oh, bonus, Hubs cleaned up the house earlier this week, and guess what? IT’S STILL CLEAN!!!!! Holy Lord, we have achieved nirvana – I simply can not imagine anything more exciting EVER than what is about to happen this weekend.

And, yes, I cried twice this week because I miss their little butts.

Keep hope alive, they’ll all turn 18 one day, and we’ll get to do this EVERY WEEKEND!!!!!!!

 

The Minivan Badventure

I am so excited today!!!!!! We are in the final countdown to the beginning of the roadtrip!!! ROOOOOOOOOOOOOADD TRIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!!!

The rental disaster – so 3 weeks ago, we reserved a minivan, because, well, minivans appear to be fun. We have a Yukon for when we have to make hauls around town with all the littles, but thought it might be a good change to rent a minivan for this trip, save on gas, cheaper rental, all those mature, grown up reasons. Psh, never again. Ever. In life. I may not even ride in a minivan ever again.

I’ve never had the “people who will come pick you up”  pick me up before – and never will again. They were late, then when we finally got to the rental office, they had sent the van that I was renting out to pick someone else up. Uh, no, gonna need you to go ahead and get that turned right the fuck around please. I’ve already been here for 30 min. So they did. Kinda wish they didn’t – It was rough. In total, it took an hour and a half to get me to the office, the van to the office, get it cleaned (bwahahaha, cleaned, no, not so much, but we’ll talk about that in a min) and get me out of there and on the road.

When they finally got it ready to go I jumped in and drove the thing for 50 miles and couldn’t stand it anymore. Usually, when one rents a car, it is a late model, with bells and whistles etc…not this van. This van was tore up from the floor up. There were literally human hairs in the passenger seat. I know, I almost vomited. And gum, and crumbs, and it was bad. Minivans are for people with littles, so whyyyyyyyyy would one get light colored cloth upholstery in a minivan? I don’t know! They shouldn’t even make it an option, really. I get home and call the 800 number, because of course the location was closed. They proceed to tell me that all they can do is make notes. I call the location this morning and let them know what is going on, the manager was super nice, I told him to just upgrade us to the big SUV and I’ll pay the difference, but we HAVE to get out of this monstrosity asap. Now I’m waiting. Because it’s memorial day weekend, everyone is going somewhere, it’s the first vacation of summer (summer, summer, summer, summer in my echo voice)!!!!!!!!!!

I hope this goes well. I really do. I can’t wait to go! I’m ready RIGHT NOW!!!

On a side note, the hubs is at home with the boys, and I just got a picture of a massive fort that they built with the sectional couch. Am I completely out of line to be super jealous and a teeny bit mad that I’m not home to fort it up with them? Cuz I am – I want to go home and fort! Blankets, pillows, popcorn and a movie, probably Jurassic Park again, for the 500,000,000th time. I’d buy tickets to that day for sure.

That’s all I’ve got for now!

Keep hope alive 🙂

3rd Grade Retention

So it’s the end of the school year, and I got a call from O’s school administration today. She’s going to have to repeat the 3rd grade. Shit, Shitty, Shitterton. Ultimate Mom Fail. At least, that’s how I feel this very moment. We did get her meds and her new Dr. and everything, and she did bring up her grades in every subject, but it just wasn’t enough to bring her whole average up for the year. We tried. My God, we tried, everything. It just wasn’t enough. I have full on mom-guilt at this moment. I cried, I’m crying as I write this. I knew it was coming, I’ve been talking to her teacher about it since the beginning of the last 9 weeks. I don’t know how to tell her. She’ll be devastated. The kids are already so mean, she’s taller and bigger than everyone in class now, imagine what it will look like next year. I might have to throat chop a kid, or more likely, their parents. I hate mean kids, man, they’re terrible. They say such hateful things to each other. This is going to suck, in the most unimaginable way.

I know that it’s better to hold her back now, academically, rather than push her through and then have her struggle in middle or high school. I know that by doing this, she’ll be way ahead of the game in the long run. All of that is great. The school is quick to point all that factual crap out, and they’re right, but you don’t have to look a little girl in her precious face and break her little heart. Me and Daddy do. She tried so hard. She really did. I am so proud of her for bringing her grades up as much as she did, just in the little time (3 weeks) she’s been on the new meds. I mean, we’re talking whole letter grades, from F’s to B’s, people. She made huge strides. But it wasn’t enough. This is the first time that I’ll have to explain to her that it isn’t always enough. That your very, VERY best isn’t always enough. That’s what we tell our kids, right? We don’t expect all A’s, we expect you to do your very best. Well, she did, she put all of her effort into her work the MOMENT we got her meds right, and she was able to focus. It’s not her fault, it’s mine, and she gets to suffer because I fell short – it’s that I didn’t realize we needed to get her new doctors fast enough, we believed what the first doctor told us and we didn’t find and change doctors soon enough, that we didn’t get her meds right in time for her to be able to retain and learn everything she needed to. I failed her. She’s not supposed to learn this reality yet. That your best isn’t always enough, and that everyone has the potential to fail you, even your mom. She’s still a little girl! Holy shit, she’s never going to believe anything I say, ever again!! I’ve told her all her life that she just needs to do her best. That’s a lie. We all know it, but we’re not supposed to know it at 9 years old.

O is used to me going to battle for her when I need to, she can rely on it. She knows that we advocate for her at every turn. We also bust her behind with the same veracity when she’s out of line. There’s nothing I can do…I checked. I can take it to the district, but they will stand behind the decision and the grades she earned. When I tell her this, she will not see me as her warrior anymore, because I couldn’t save her from this. I’m not ready for her to know that I’m not really “WonderBatFlash-Mom”. This sucks. I’m going to have some coffee and a cry.

 

To Grandma’s House they go!!!

Happy Monday! Well, it will be happy, later, after work, and with an adult beverage… So the weekend was pretty uneventful, which is great! We have a new adventure this week – taking the kids to grandma’s!!!! YES, I KNOW! Our kids have never been to a relatives’ house, even overnight, but Grandma came to visit, and asked to keep them…get this…wait for it…FOR THE SUMMER! I know! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT??!! The summer? As in the whoooole summer??? Yes, yes, that is what she requested. Insert happy dance here!!BOOM! DONE DEAL!! Right??!! FREAKIN A Right!!!!…until I realized that I’ve never been away from them for more than a couple days. Here’s the craziest part – get this! Grandma lives in KENTUCKY! So it’s about a 16 hour drive to get there if something happens. Not that I think something will happen, Grandma is more than capable, they listen to her over the phone better than they listen to me – they’ll be fine. It will be fine. They will be fine. I might not be so fine. But first things first. Let’s talk about this road-trip!

I am super pumped – I’ve never taken a road trip quite this daunting, actually, I’ve never taken a road trip as an adult at all – 16 hours, 3 kids, I’m sure there will be lots of snacking, and tablet-ing for sure, and I’m sure a little sprinkling of whining in there somewhere. Wonder how many pit stops we’ll have to make, and how long that will delay our 16 hour trek? How many granola bars and mini bags of chips will we need? Maybe we’ll see the world’s biggest (fill in the blank, ball of yarn, bale of hay, knitting needle, whatever) along the way. Will we even have room in the van we’re renting to put all this stuff that we’re going to need for the trip? Keep in mind, we are packing their clothes for the entire summer. Holy Crap. It’s a lot, buuuuuut I can’t wait to sing songs, eat in the car, play license plate games, and have family vacation style memories! Not to mention driving a minivan! We had a minivan when I was a kid, but I don’t remember ever personally driving it – but we used to drive from AZ to CA in the summer – those trips were awesome – I remember the year all the luggage was tied to the top, and it flew off – on the highway. Exciting stuff! My mom somehow found these wire basket things that fit PERFECTLY under the seats, and all the snacks were in them. Anywhoo, it will be an adventure for sure!

Now the anxiety of having them gone. I have gone from excited, to nervous, to anxious, back to excited, to “hey maybe let’s not do this”, to “what the hell are you thinking, we may never get this opportunity again”, then back to, “holy shit, what am I going to do without them for a whole SUMMER?!?!?” – Be productive as shit, is what we’re going to do, people. We’re going to have time to work out, go on dates, I’ll have time to shave my legs on a regular schedule (really big deal folks), house hunting, and I’m pretty sure we’re going to run naked circles in the house for the first week or so, definitely get in some deep couch sitting, and sleep all night, and thennnn past 5:15 am…on a SATURDAY, and watch massive amounts of grown up TV – Hannibal, Animal Kingdom, and Walking Dead, here we come!! After about a week, I’m sure that will wear off, and the missing will kick in. Now, I’ve convinced myself of several things as far as the length of the visit: one, that we used to get sent off to relatives when we were kids, so if we did it, and our parents made it through, then surely we can do it. Then it occurred to me that maybe they didn’t really like us all that much and they were fine with it, lololol. Next, I tell myself that it’s different now, we have facetime and skype and all manner of things to talk to the kids and let them see us. They each have a leap pad which has a camera, they can call when they want, we can call and see them when we want – it’ll be fine. In case none of that works, the hubs has allowed me to build in a contingency plan. We have a visit scheduled for the 4th of July weekend. So if I can’t stand it any longer, they’ll come home with us at that point. Either way, whether they come home with us, or want to stay longer, we’ll get to see them in the middle of the visit. I just re-read all of this, and now realize…I may need meds. Just sayin’.

 

That’s all I’ve got for today 🙂

Keep Hope Alive

The Mystery Easter Guest

So, I know that Easter was a month ago, but life keeps happening, and I meant to post about this, but I haven’t – so here it is.

There was a mystery person at Easter that I didn’t know. I didn’t realize she was there until I looked at the pictures. In each and EVERY picture where I was supposed to be standing, was a HUGE BEHEMOTH of a woman. WHO THE EFF (this is me working on my profanity) IS THAT????? Oh wait, it’s me. *sigh* how and when did this happen? How did I get so big? When? Look at my face! Look at my ARMS, they look like THIGHS!!! OMG, I am unrecognizable. What did I do? And then a huge FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK THAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!! So, I bit the bullet. Yes, ladies and gents, I weighed myself. I almost passed out. I literally screamed, and hubs came running in, thinking there was a tarantula in the bathroom. But no, just me. Me and whoever the fuck this thing is sitting on my shoulders that makes my weight read a whopping 294 lbs. WTF??!!I’m done. I have NEVER weighed this much in my LIFE. Even 9 months pregnant I didn’t weigh this much. It has to change, now. So it is.

Here is something you don’t know about me, that I do – I have a tendency to go full throttle. Usually, that’s a good thing. In major permanent life changes, however, not so much. I’m going to change it all. Everything I eat, and drink, and my activity level. In order for me to not have a FUCK THIS moment in this process, and revert back to unhealthy habits, I’m going to do it one thing at a time. I’ve been researching different diets, different methods of eating, trying to find a permanent change that I can live with, that also won’t involve cooking separate things for me and everyone else every meal. Because that would, well, suck.

I am going to document it. Much like I document the Olivia stuff, I’m going to ride this out with you all along for the ride. One, it will make me laugh and some of the for sure funny things that are going to happen along the way. Two, it will keep me honest and accountable.

So, here we go, on to blog-venture number two – the lifestyle change. I’ve chosen step one to be water intake. I don’t drink water. Like ever. I drink shit tons of coffee, and Dr. Pepper, and Coke, and all manner of juices and sweet teas – but no water. According to all the calculations, I should be drinking 94 oz. Holy crap, that’s a lot of water, that’s a lot of liquid period.

Alright. Here we go.

At some point, I’ll need to choose a goal weight and body fat % goal. I don’t know what that is, or what it looks like for me at this point. All I know is that the mirror has been lying to my ass, and the pictures don’t. I look like a heart-attack. I look like diabetes. It changes today. RTFN. (I told you, I’m working on my profanity, google rtfn if you need to, it doesn’t count if I spell it or abbreviate, only if I say the whole word out loud – baby steps people!)

Mission healthy, active, long life is in full effect!

 

 

One calm kid, snipers, and poop on the floor

Hellewwww –

So I know I’ve been absent for a while, I’m back!! With an update! We eventually decided to change O’s Doctors and start fresh with a new set of experts, and go with our gut. The previous Dr. had no solutions for us and just wanted us to put her back on Adderall and continue to up the doseage. We said “Hell NO!” and pulled her from that Dr. So the new Dr. is AWESOME!! She is now on Intuniv and Vyvanse and is much more able to focus and complete tasks. We are soooooooo excited! Her teacher (who is also new, we moved over the Christmas break, and her new teacher is awesome-sauce amazing, as well as the school as a whole) texted me the first day that O took her new meds and said “An odd sense of calm has come over Olivia and she is being so good!” Then an hour later “This is soooo strange! It was as if the fog lifted and she sighed and now calm…I have goose bumps!” It is amazing to have a teacher who is so communicative and truly roots for our O!

The bad news is that because it took us so long to get the Dr. and meds right, she didn’t have time to pull her grades up, and may have to repeat the 3rd grade. At first, my thought was, screw that, she’s made incredible strides in just 1 month, and she needs to get into 4th grade. I was ready to take them to the mats and go all the way to the district superintendent to get it done. (They know me by name in that office, I’m nothing if not an advocate for Olivia) Then after many discussions with the hubs, and her teacher, and prayer, we decided that if she has to get held back, we’d rather it be in 3rd grade, than have her get to middle school and high school and struggle. It’s the freaking math, people. She brought EVERY single grade up from failing in 3 weeks, except for the damn math. The multiplication tables memorization thing is not going well. So, we wait. But, whatever they say, I’m not going to freak out, not going to freak out, not going to freak out, not going to freak out. It helps reinforce it in my mind if I repeat it…repeatedly.

She still has her moments, but we all do, the major thing is that I’m not angry at her all the time, and we can talk, and I haven’t thought about putting her on the curb with a box of kittens in a long while. 🙂

At the end of the day, we’ll either have a 4th grader who has a lot of catching up to do in math, or a 3rd grader who will be ahead of the class in many areas. Either way, I’m proud of the progress she has made, and the progress we’ve made as a unit. 🙂

The boys, however, have found their voices, and they are LOUD about it! Hilarious, and LOUD. They are in standard toddler phase, now 2 and 3 years old, they will listen to you say their names and just keep on trucking, but will say mom and dad 500,000 times, even when we are acknowledging them. It’s a game. They’re tandem potty training, which is hilarious and awesome at the same time – they’ll get it. Once they stop pooping on the floor, of course.

We had a great water-gun fight, in the yard last night, no, to call it a fight, wouldn’t be doing it justice. It was an all out battle. There were snipers, grenades (water balloons) sneak attacks, ambushes, hand to hand combat, it was amaze-balls – we had another one about a week ago, it was pretty epic too- I had forgotten how much fun we are. Bitty got me in a run-by, O got teamed up on my me and Dad, and got a whole apple juice container of water dumped on her. It was great. I missed us, terribly. But, we’re back mofo’s and ready to keep on truckin’!

Keep Hope Alive 🙂

 

The Weekend

This weekend was, in my skewed book, a relative success! Everyone got fed, bathed, we squeezed in some date night on Friday, oh, and everyone survived to make an appearance today, Monday.

We have discovered that Olivia’s behavior affects all of us, on every level. Our moods, they way we interact with each other, it is a totally different house when she is not there, or just not in the room. The boys can sit and play with each other in the playroom with no screaming, fighting, biting, injuring each other etc…Introduce Olivia to the situation. No, don’t, because you won’t like what happens. All of a sudden everyone is screaming, no one is calm, the boys are at each other, Olivia is trying to be in charge, the boys aren’t having it. It turns into a nuclear situation.

So some of that happened – I hate spanking her. It makes me feel bad, and realistically, it doesn’t do any good. I made her do wall sits this weekend. 10 minutes of them. Did I feel bad, you ask? HELL NO. I stood there and timed her defiant little butt until it was over.

 

What happened to my Owie?

Part of this blog is me being honest, right? Brutally, yuckily, fantastically, open and fucking honest. It wouldn’t be real if I wasn’t, or if I sugar coated, or made it sound less bad, or good for that matter, than it really is. Often times I go back and read what I’ve written and think “I’m going to sound like a monster, nut job, horrible parent, etc… or, this makes us as a unit look pretty bad, I should re-word that” but nope. NO.FUCKING.WAY. For the following reasons – I have the hope that once we find the solution (and we will) we’ll look back on all of this and realize how far we’ve come, and appreciate it. Also, someone else in the world is going through, or will be at some point, going through the same shit with their kid, or kids. If my intent is truly to document our journey, and leave it all out there to help someone else, then it has to be 100% real, no filler. With that being said, here you go.

So the thing about facebook is that it shows you your memories yearly, previous posts, pictures, etc. I love and can’t stand this feature – lately, I’ve been reading a lot of the older posts that involve Olivia. She used to be funny, she used to make me laugh hysterically, she used to be loving, and say the funniest things. We used to have awesome conversations and exchanges in the car, her favorite place to talk, on the way somewhere. Well, that’s not exactly true, Olivia used to talk all the time, no literally, all.the.time. From the moment she woke up until she went to bed, she never stopped talking. Then her behavior changed. She wasn’t the sweet daughter that I knew and loved. She was, and still is someone else.

She has stopped talking. She’s not funny. She doesn’t make jokes. She makes sad attempts to get attention, trying to “force funny” that usually involves “baby voice” which makes me want to vomit, but I’m so irritated with her because of her behavior at school, or with the nanny when we’re not there, that I honestly don’t care to listen to what she has to say. I hate that. I don’t like feeling that way. However, when you spend all day acting like a 2 year old, getting written up at school, rolling round on the carpet, not listening to your teachers, and have the audacity to tell the nanny what you’re not going to do, I don’t have much to say. Realistically, I don’t want to hear shit unless it’s Olivia explaining to me why she’s acting like a heathen. But she won’t. Because 2 seconds after O gets in trouble for something, she has no recollection of it, she doesn’t act like she’s in trouble, which, by the way, infuriates me further.

It makes me horribly, terribly sad. We are doing everything we know how to get help, but at this moment in time, I DON’T LIKE MY DAUGHTER. I love her, but I don’t like what she has turned into. How to fix this? I don’t know. That portion has to be me. Maybe I have to let go of the knowledge that even though at this particular moment in time, she’s not causing a problem, give her 30 seconds, she will. I walk into the house and am genuinely excited to see the Hubs, and the boys – not so much Olivia. I ask for her folder to check her behavior chart, it’s always something. I talk to the nanny about how their afternoon was, it’s always something. I talk to her brothers about their day, most of which is spent without O, because she’s at school, but the first thing our older son tells me is – Owie did this, or Owie took that, or Owie hit me. I hate that she treats her brothers that way, which makes me not have any warm and fuzzy feelings about her. At all. Ever, lately. Just thinking about her causes me to have literal, physical anxiety, which is multiplied by 1000 when we are in the same place.

Here is where I am, and before I say it, I am in complete acknowledgement that it is a dark place to be. Do you let one child ruin the entire family? It feels like she is tearing us apart. There are days when I want to leave, I know there are days when the hubs wants to leave. There are days when I think “she’s damaging the boys, she’s teaching them horrible behaviors, she’s being mean to them, do I let her continue to do this to our family?” I have times when I am just flabbergasted and think, “ok there are 3 kids, 2 parents, and 1 problem…someone has got to go” There are days when I wish my grandmother was still here with us, I’d send her to stay with her for a year or so. It would be better for all involved. None of that will happen, we’re in it for the long haul, but these are my thoughts. It’s almost like the more we try to involve her in things, the more ridiculous she acts. She literally walks into the room and changes the entire dynamic of the situation. Right now, for different reasons, I’m sure, none of us really wants to deal with her and her shit. Honestly, there’s absolutely nothing I can do about that. Her behavior has to change, in a major way and permanently before the boys will trust her not to hurt them, or take their food, or say mean things when we aren’t within earshot. Before we can trust her to go to school and not act like an idiot, hell before I can trust her to take her to Walmart with us and have her not act like a complete mental patient.

So, I ignore her a lot. Not to be hurtful, which I’m sure it is, but so I don’t say mean things, so I don’t come into a conversation prejudiced about how it’s going to go when I ask her how her day was, so I don’t yell, so I don’t upset the boys. Not a good solution, but it’s better than faking nice (which I’m horrible at), and it’s also better than being mad, angry, rage-mom.

Hurry up counseling, we need it to get better than this. Fast.

Today I say this more to myself than anyone reading this –

Keep Hope Alive –